Talking to children about domestic violence and abuse
Domestic abuse is defined by the Bristol Domestic Abuse Forum as the misuse of physical, emotional, sexual or financial control by one person over another, with whom they are or have been in a relationship.
Children and young people experience domestic violence, both intentionally as part of a pattern of controlling behaviour, and incidentally, through witnessing or being aware of violence against another family member, or through intervening to protect an abused person. Living in a home where domestic abuse occurs has a profound and negative effect on children’s lives and victims often try extremely hard to stop their children from being hurt by the violence and abuse which they are experiencing. Here are some ideas to help you talk to your child about domestic violence.
Children living with domestic violence feel:
- Powerless: because they can’t stop the violence
- Confused: because it doesn’t make sense
- Angry: because it shouldn’t be happening
- Guilty: because they think they’ve done something wrong
- Sad: because it’s a loss
- Afraid: because they may be hurt, they may lose someone they love, others may find out
- Alone: because they think it’s happening only to them
Ten tips for parenting during and after domestic abuse:
- Give your child time to talk and listen to them
- Reassure your child it is not their fault and that abusive behaviour is wrong
- Keep adult issues to adults
- Show unconditional love
- Be clear about what you expect from your children. For example instead of saying ‘stop screaming’, you could say ‘slow down, try telling me what you want to say, I am listening’.
- Praise good behaviour
- Focus on the behaviour. Make it clear it is the behaviour you don’t like, not your child
- Try to keep emotion out of discipline
- Offer an opportunity for children to make choices. This will encourage your child to problem solve and feel in control of their lives
- Keep your expectations realistic. Try and put yourself in their shoes and think about what it is they are trying to say by behaving the way they are
Remember: you can be a good role model. Children can learn to survive from watching their non abusive parent manage with difficulties.
It’s a lot scarier for children when no one ever talks to them about the violence.
Where to get help:
Nationally: National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 200 0247 Free confidential 24hr advice line Locally: Nextlink Domestic Abuse Services: 0117 925 0680 Local safe housing and support services Survive: 0117 961 2999 Support, information and advocacy for women, children and young people affected by domestic violence / abuse Bristol Domestic Abuse Forum: 0117 914 2232 Local information about Freedom programmes 
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